Sailing through the wind

Life gets difficult ,sometimes a lot I always question my Almighty for every small happenings in my life .Often i talk about Mental health and also practice mental health occupational therapy ,ignoring the fact that i don't have guts to share with anyone how i feel within.My biggest weakness over years has been not being able to ask for help even when i am breaking down and need somebody to hear me out .My friends reach out to enquire ,insist and pressurize me to talk and then i utter a few words .But today breaking this weakness of my mine for the first time ever in my life i am writing my thoughts so clear.I have always put up my worry in the form of articles and poems which is always difficult to decipher .But here is what i want to share on my blog .There have been phases that has led me to extreme lowness and even the people around me including my parents were not able to pick up whats going on with me .I am a person who always laughs and keeps talking ,but there was a time due to the stress of my career and the pressure from people over settling down broke me completely .There has been comparisons from a few known people ,my dear ones falling severely ill and my mother's constant medical issues and certain more conflicts that slipped me in to loneliness and emotionally fragile .It affected my confidence miserably .People around me have said certain things that echoes in my mind all time.It made me weak.Whenever people spoke to me of being post graduate ranker or my juniors called me for advises it evoked an extreme guilt of failure .It was weird .I couldn't take compliments on any of my talent .Be it writing or oration or anything else .I was or rather still go in self doubt.People look at me as a very confident girl who can do anything but i know how broke i was once .My confidence was a fake mirror but i was yet confident .My smile and laughter was for the happiness of my close ones.I cried when nobody was watching me.I started settling my mind to be less ambitious ,to compromise on my dreams .I had a struggle to make my end meet .My family is the most precious treasure and anything affecting anyone scratched a wound in me.Juggling in between responsibilities and working on a start up i am unable to handle my state of mind .I go quiet ,just sit and read or write poems.And the worst thing that happens then is people near me saying "Khush raha Karo,What less do you have ,keep smiling " 

I dont understand why its difficult to realize just like the way body gets fever on exertion,mind can go depressed on extreme stress .A person with fever is asked to take medicines and rest .But a mind that is low is asked to cheerup and move around.Why nobody questions or tries to find the reason behind the silence .Why can't it be normal to feel sad and express it just like the way we share happiness .Mood swings is a different talk ,i am referring to a constant lowness .I am writing this because i have felt it .And i know every second person goes through it .Feeling to end life ,frustration ,fights ,crying ,loneliness are all the symptoms of Constant Lowness .Its just that nobody talks of it .Because it signifies how weak you are .I always thought the same moreover i hate sympathy so i never speak of my problems because i can't take pity .However i realized strength lies in accepting you can feel sad ,sharing with right people ,developing self help strategies and above all Belief on Almighty .My faith on Allah and Ahlubayt a.s has made me alhamdolillah so strong that i can go through the tests of my Lord .I have failed many times but there is door of repentence always open to learn something and evolve as a better person .I don't look at myself emotionally weak but my strength lies in my faith .I am not diagnosed with clinical depression but my mental health keeps fluctuating and i struggle with it ,just like 90℅ of the people.

 I bow in gratitude to Almighty for blessing me with countless tests to make me more empathetic .I always wondered why can't i enjoy life just like my friends but grasses are always green other side .Also i always question my Lord What is the purpose of my Life ?and When he testifies me i cry and crib !This realization has helped me in the toughest of time and my only advise to fellow youngsters is to hold on .Life gets tough in different ways but there is a purpose to it .Resorting to wrong means of survival will only make your present more tough .Keep Moving ,This too shall pass!

-SSW

I want to praise my Lord and HIS Might, slwt
I am broken to gather my scattered self
Look at his beauty,
I can't think of any other help,
I can't look at any other door ,
I want to move away from HIM ,
That hopeless i am from within.
Yet my soul navaigates to Salah
It bows down to HIS majesty and power
My mind is turning atheist though
Yet my heart is sinking in his bleesing's shore.
How blessed i am to be able to stand,
And tell HIM that i am also your child,
O Allah you have left me where ,
Your child is lost in the market of Life
She wants to hold your hand in this walk
And ask you happily "i want this and that "
I want you to smile and look at me
Say Ok dear i will grant your wish.
O Allah you have left me lonely crying
Out of my sight i don't know where to find.
I don't know the way , where to go ,
I can only call you loud in my soul.
All my energy flows in tears though,
People ask me shall i help or tell me what,
I look up and say 'It is already told to ONE',
You know it all and You feel it though,
I have never been this testified before.
Praise to my lord HE knows it all,
With heavy heart i am letting it go!
I bow in prostration to say my gratitude,
My broken self stands back in HOPE!

-SSW

Crackdown of Assumptions

I won't say i am a perfect flawless being however there are a lot of social notions that disturb me.These are the ones that are all around us in our homes and all the places we are closely related to.
Humans are blessed with innate executive functions  of which judgement and analytical reasoning is one of the meta cognitive or executive function of the brain.However the violation of these creates a ruffle in the society and somewhere consciously or sub consciously we are playing with the sentiments of our fellow beings.
In simple words the speed at which we judge ,assume and conclude about people ,situation and matters is competitive to the speed of light.I have come across this splinter skills of many people closely .
I will narrate one incidence, Once i was sitting with one of my junior and discussing about some project. We were talking about the potential people and their strengths when he casually made a remark over one of my known person stating 'this guy according to me is a looser,look at his failures,i don't think he is good at anything or can do much with life'
I paused him ,on a serious note asked him "What makes you say that?" He continued with some blabbering..
I stopped him and said "How much do you know him and his skills"
The guy we were talking of is actually good at a lot of things. However his sharp assumption had completely tarnished his image and any potential skill.
I told him calmly "Your way of judging and talking about people is forcing me to judge you further"
Today you are talking in this regard about him,tomorrow you will talk of me"
To this he started covering up ,but i gave him right and left for this kind of small talk .Moreover warned him of being careful further.
What i want to highlight is because i knew the guy about whom this fellow was talking i could stop his talk and defend further.If not i would have anyway stopped him ,however some impression must have been created in my mind.
This happens so often we are so rigid in our thoughts that we refuse to give benefit of doubt or for that matter bring in the possibility of probability.
Judgement is a survival skill but assumption has a detrimental effect.I have seen shattered relations and rift in life because of its excessive presence.
Lets make an effort to keep our life simple.Rather than concluding find out the truth.If each of us make an effort to crackdown the heap of assumptions we live in ,a lot can get sorted.

-SSW

Introspect of Soul

Its the month of Moharram,
the days of mourning
Lamentations and wail
to the event of Karbala.
The sobs and calls,
The grief of masayab
O Imam Hussain a.s and
the martyrs of holy land.
For a moment i halt
in my thoughts!
tears flowing to know
the Maqsad of karbala.
How blessed i am
Sitting on farsh- e- aza
I peep in my soul
to see the many flaws
the dirt laden imaan
and so many faces.
I look down ashamed
of who i am
I want to cleanse my
soul and imaan
I weep in the grief of
Lady Zainab s.a
call out to bibi Fatima s.a
Show me the mirror
of my own self
let me know the true me
I am a petty soul
in this dead world
Living a selfish life
of my soul
What is my purpose
to today's existence!
I am the dirt of your door.
How blessed i am
to be at majalis
To learn from
the sayings of Ahlubayt a.s
The faqih says the
glorified words
i know this month
is days of grief
the days of learning
and cleansing my soul
and being better self
While i introspect my soul
i silently cry to how
selfish i am.
O Imam  look at me
for once a glance
show me the path
of right against wrong.
Let me hold
more empathy and love
for my fellow people
with compassion!
Give me strength
to voice out always
against injustice and
stand for oppressed
O Imam guide me
to be better human
to lay my life'
for your purpose.

-SSW

The thoughts

The thoughts that seize moments of life,
Move still in the flowing rhythm of life.
When the applause gathers many call,
Shudders the soul in the shell of a wall.
Calls No, it ain't the way it is seen to all,
There is an unsaid story hiding from all.
Some memories of darkness fills in pain,
Some days of silent sobs  rise  again .
It pricks too hard to think of the words,
That once pierced so sharp like swords.
There was silence then and today,
The heart felt the pain and found a way.
When eyes close to form a series of gaze,
Rises the head in hope of another day.
The only anchor has been the rhymes ,
To listen to the narrations of a sad time.

-SSW

Hind~~The Beat Says

India is a pride for Indians.But i often say 'Hindustan is my Heart and Hind is my heartbeat'. The resonance of Hind calls for a wide grin and deep feel because there is something very special about it apart from being my Motherland.
My Imam Hussain a.s had his wish before the event of karbala 1400 years ago to visit this precious land.This is narrated in various authentic references citing the events of karbala.There is also a community better known as THE HUSSAINI Brahmins that has an intertwined link with Hinduism and Islam.However my topic is not in length to write about this community so if any of you want more details kindly contact me i will provide best of references possible.
My Nation's land is filled with diverse cultures and traditions that is known to live in harmony.However today it brings shivers down the spine knowing the dirty politics that is happening all around.Nether government nor opposition is of substance for the peace of the country.Each leader is busy pulling the other,the culture of fake promises has gained better strength due to the influence of social media.Big figures and framed statistics is put to display to amaze the blinded people who will believe in a forward post and meme than putting any effort to verify it.

The other day i was sitting in a corner and reading a book when two of my colleagues were in a discussion of the recent events of political turmoil and Kashmir.Off lately i have stopped participating actively in any such conversations where i know nothing will come out but an argument and fight.So i was quiet until personally addressed ,i smiled and said " Democracy is almost dead" And the other one laughed "Its dead" I corrected stating 'Almost' because there are a few anti nationals of the country who voice out their opinion and take a stand.And then the topic shifted to North Korea and dictatorship when another of my colleague said 'Now its almost like a dictatorship only although a good one'. I stared smiling and said 'If you appreciate so much of goodness be open to criticize as well' .With this i wanted to say so many other things but i just kept quiet.With my past experiences i know what would fetch me at the end.Moreover i was in no mood to blow off my temper and sound state of mind early morning behind such a talk.
It was a peaceful end to the talk as our patients had arrived and we got busy with work.
I don't blame any of them for their remarks but the environment and the influence that has got so high.It is so difficult to express your opinion without getting in to a heated talk.
Lynching,communal disharmony ,politicians stating cheap remarks for minorities ,fake promises ,showoff ,media coverage and all the hype is setting seeds of New India .
Today i was reading stories of past communal riot victims.Reading their narration tears were flowing by my eyes.The hardest prick was when somebody had written that "the people with whom we lived for 40 years disappeared with fear and locked their houses when our families were killed and burnt alive".Any killing of humans is such a shame.These barbaric events are a result of hatred!It is a stain on humaniity ,be it Sikhs massacre, Kashmiri pandits ,'92 Mumbai riots or 2002 Godra riots or muzzafarnagar riot, the list is endless.
 For a second i was moved wondering if tomorrow riots occur in my area none of my family would survive because we don't live in our community dominant area.Such horrifying thoughts are creating the castle of Vikas and New India.
At times i wonder why did my third imam make a wish for Hind.
Will something get better or worsen up further.This land is of people ,by people and from people.Let's maintain its sanctity and not lick the ass of those in power.Let's be rational in our approach.
I do appreciate the wise steps of the government with being a strong critic of it too .Neither opposition nor the present one is to be favored.All of them belong to same flock. What matters is being wise which unfortunately people have lost sense of .
This Independence day lets pledge to be responsible citizens to maintain the harmony and not get carried away by opportunist leaders.Lets strive to be better humans and create a place of love and unity.

India is my pride and a beautiful nation.Hindustan will always be my heart and Hind my beat!

Jai Hind.

-SSW

What do you want?

Some words and some talks that really make you think deep and drown you in to an endless ocean.The depth of its reach is so much that its beyond present  moment.
Being a Mumbaikar and a regular commuter by local trains getting stuck is a very casual experience.Although this gets frustrating at times like today morning.My 40-45 minutes of journey which involves changing of train and walk from station to reach my workplace took nearly two hours due to delay in train because of rains.My current work place has the most understanding and strong head i could ever ask for.Tired and weary i reached my work she smiled and gently nodded.At the time of leaving she asked me a few questions that kept playing in my head for really long.
Saima Do you like being stuck in train?Get affected by flood?Do you like when water nears your house?What is in Mumbai?I have my plans ,What about you ? I was blank....Why don't you go abroad?Have you tried?I was reluctant and said ,No ,i don't know!
She continued 'I see myself in you few years back,there should be somebody to show you the way'

It hit like a gentle rock because for the first time ever somebody had shown and expressed such care or rather professional concern for me.Her questions were sharp and filled with love ,in between this she said a lot more things but for a moment it evoked all my dreams that i casually did not pursue or make an attempt for.On my way home while sitting in train i closed my eyes and saw myself in those universities i had written to.I saw my Phd degree and my lab.I saw myself conversing with those professional stalwarts whom i have read.
In no time i got a thrust and my station had arrived .I got down smiling running to catch the train from other platform.
I took a deep breath "Verily Allah is best of Planners' .I came home hugged my mother and said Alhamdolillah. As long as i have my two roofs by my side all the dhakka and struggle is worth. Inshallah some day i will live those moments of lost dreams too.Everything has its own time ,i just cannot pack up and leave.
Today was the best day ,because my senior asked questions that i cannot stop thinking over.They are just resonating and i don't have answer to any of it.Probably because i am not rigid in thoughts so 'Jo hoga dekha jayga'
As i am preparing to call of the day,there is a hammer strike 'What do you want in life'? Well,i seriously can't say!I rest it with my all time favourite word 'Lets see'

-SSW